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Published — 6 July 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Referee Philosophy

PERSON: "And it looks like the ref is calling it offsides, after VAR review. "

PERSON: "This idiot ref thinks this technology can determine things as they really are, but even its results are funneled through the structure of our minds!"

PERSON: "Not only that, Kant, but he falses surrenders his freedom to the machine, even though he has ultimate authority, and responsibility! It is bad faith."

PERSON: "True, Sartre."

PERSON: "Plus, who gave this ref authority anyway? In an anarchist society all authority would be rejected, and decisions would be made through community consensus."

PERSON: "Exactly, Bakunin, one man has authority over millions of fans who disagree! How is that fair?"

PERSON: "What about you, Marx, how does your critique of capitalism work into this?"

PERSON: "Are the refs corrupted by the financial interesting of wanting popular teams to win?"

PERSON: "Do we need to seize the means of football?"

PERSON: "Guys, chill out, it was clearly offsides."

PERSON: "Marx has fallen to Revisionism!"

PERSON: "Maybe you guys should think less about the game, and more about why philosophers never get invited to watch parties."

PERSON: "He intends to take referee authority for himself, for the “people”!"

Published — 29 June 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Foucault Psychoanalyzed

PERSON: "So, Monsieur Foucault, what problems are you having? "

PERSON: "I feel increasingly like i am trapped in the embedded power structures of larger society."

PERSON: "I begin to worry that the advent of reason itself is only an intensification of the tools of oppression, which penetrates every aspect of society."

PERSON: "Interesting...say more about that."

PERSON: "The very way to we come to understand knowledge, sexuality, and even the human subject itself is the result of the structural power of society!"

PERSON: "I see, i think i know what is wrong with you."

PERSON: "What is it, Doctor?"

PERSON: "I have it all right here in my notes."

PERSON: "What?! That's all you wrote? Fine, but i'll have you know i will write a devastating structural critique of psychoanalysis!"

PERSON: "Sounds like a pretty gay thing to do, but whatever..."

Published — 22 June 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

At the Existentialist Cafe

PERSON: "What to order? Each choice we make defines who we are. Am i the kind of man who orders avocado toast? Am i doomed to forever be that man? "

PERSON: "But Kierkegaard, before we decide that we must decide the crucial question: should i have a cup of coffee, or should i kill myself."

PERSON: "...well?"

PERSON: "Fine. And for you Sartre?"

PERSON: "I will have a cup of coffee."

PERSON: "The problem with menus is that they represent a false set of choices. It is an illusion that contrains our freedom."

PERSON: "I will exercise my radical freedom and.......order off menu! I will have Eggs Benedict!"

PERSON: "We can't make that."

PERSON: "You can't, or you choose not to?"

PERSON: "Both. Kierkegaard, have you decided yet?"

PERSON: "How can i? I know i will regret it either way. Avocado or no avocado, both lead to despair!"

PERSON: "Despair!"

PERSON: "Despair!"

PERSON: "God, i hate this job."

Published — 15 June 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Plato's Iliad

PERSON: "Don't go!"

PERSON: "No, I must face him...or he'll say i wussed out."

PERSON: " "

PERSON: "I challenge you, Hector, to the ultimate contest between men."

PERSON: "Gladly!"

PERSON: "A debate on the nature of justice!"

PERSON: "I accept! In my view, justice is each getting what is owed to him."

PERSON: "Interesting, say more."

PERSON: "Well..."

PERSON: "I don't get it, young Aristotle, why is no one coming to my rewrite of Homer's Illiad?"

PERSON: "Look, i love it...but i think your message of “we should solve things with rational debate, not violence” just isn't exciting enough."

PERSON: "Alright, then we'll just have to FORCE people to watch it."

PERSON: "Force them how?"

PERSON: "Through the use of violence!"

Published — 8 June 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Batman's Dilemma

PERSON: "Well well well...Batman, you were clever to discover my plans, but i've laid a little philosophical trap for you... "

PERSON: "Enough of your games, Riddler!"

PERSON: "That's not what i mean, Batman. I mean before taking action in the world you must first justify your own existence."

PERSON: "You see, i've captured these innocent citizens, but to free them you must answer me this: why not just kill yourself instead?"

PERSON: "I'll never give up, Riddler!"

PERSON: "You define yourself purely through abstract concepts like justice, and what you do for others, but there is nothing in the center to ground its meaning."

PERSON: "Who is the Batman? And why does he deserve to exist? What gives substance to his being outside of these external adventures?"

PERSON: "Well, Batman? Can you justify your own existence?"

PERSON: "God damn Riddler, bring me another scotch, Alfred."

PERSON: "Certainly, Sir, here it is. May i inquire what happened to the innocent citizens?"

Published — 2 June 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Despair Factory

Published — 25 May 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Schopenhauer: Supervillain or Totally Right About Everything?

PERSON: "Finally, i, Arthur Schopenhauer have gathered the five infinity rocks, which are similar but for copyright reasons distinct from any Marvel concept. "

PERSON: "Everyone? That can't be right, what is your justification?"

PERSON: "I will tell you!"

PERSON: "So what will you do, destroy half of humanity?"

PERSON: "Half? are you kidding me, Bronze man? I will kill everyone, obviously."

PERSON: "You see, i have calculated everything to the finest degree, as the world's greatest philosopher, and i have come to the the stunning conclusion that..."

PERSON: "Yeah i mean, life obviously sucks, so we should all just die, i thought everyone knew that."

PERSON: "But life is good sometimes."

PERSON: "Exactly, thus proving beyond any doubt that life is shit, and there is nothing we can do about it."

PERSON: "Just don't kill everyone!"

PERSON: "Really? You are enjoying life?"

PERSON: "I mean, not so much right now, because i'm pretty anxious about the end of the world. "

Published — 18 May 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Tech Bros Utopia

PERSON: "200 years in the future, silicon valley has finally created their ideal utopia... "

PERSON: "We've done it, we've made a society completely run by the entrepenuers."

PERSON: "Let's ask the computer."

PERSON: "Computer, why is everyone still miserable?"

PERSON: "Sure, let me answer that for you: you see, in this society a small number of people own everything - while the rest toil in poverty without jobs, money, or any meaningful ability to impact society."

PERSON: "But everyone is still miserable, i don't get it!"

PERSON: "I see, so what you are saying is we just have to eliminate the poor. Computer, instanciate “skynet” protocol. "

PERSON: "Great observation! You are right - i'll get on that right away."

PERSON: "I don't get it, we eliminated the poor, but that just made us poor! What happened computer?"

PERSON: "I told you bro."

PERSON: "Shut up, ghost of Karl Marx."

PERSON: "I fuckin' told you. You should have listened!"

Published — 11 May 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

The Asteroid and the Meaning of Life

PERSON: "Gentlemen, i have terrible news. We have discovered an astroid is headed straight towards Earth, and will exterminate the human race. I have brought together the world's smartest philosophers to save humanity. We have 36 hours. "

PERSON: "It can't be done! it isn't enough time!"

PERSON: "Up until now humanity has just fought wars, accumulated money, eaten snacks, argued about nonsense, and done weird sex with each other. But there must be something more to life!"

PERSON: "It is your sacred task to discover why any of this was worth it before we all die. I suggest you get to work."

PERSON: "Maybe something to do with God?"

PERSON: "Shut up Kierkegaard, no one belives in God anymore! It probably has to do freedom!"

PERSON: "Wait wait...i think i've got it!"

PERSON: "Oh my god, you are right de Beauvior! But can i give the speech?"

PERSON: "Sure i guess..."

PERSON: "Since the dawn of time, man has struggled to-"

PERSON: "I am Jean Paul Sartre, and i have..."

PERSON: "We have."

PERSON: "Just get to it, Sartre!"

PERSON: "We have discovered, the meaning of life!"

PERSON: "I'm doing it!"

PERSON: "Stop it, give it to me!"

PERSON: "It was my idea in the first place."

PERSON: " "

Published — 4 May 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Utilitarianism and Its Enemies

PERSON: "You know, i've been thinking a lot about morality lately, and what if all it really amounts to is maximizing pleasure, and minimizing suffering? "

PERSON: "Oh really? You want to make the greatest possible happiness?? Well what if there was a monster who got super happy, did you ever think about that?"

PERSON: "Uh...no Nozick, i haven't?"

PERSON: "Well think about it, Bentham! Your stupid philosophy is totally unworkable!"

PERSON: "In this thought experiment, the monster is so jazzed up about everything that we have to give it literally all of our resources."

PERSON: "On the other side was five depressed zombies, huh? What then? Still want to make everyone so “happy?”"

PERSON: "Well...i don't..."

PERSON: "What if in another thought experiment he was tied to a trolley track."

PERSON: "Uh..."

PERSON: "Okay, well then i have a thought experiment of my own."

PERSON: "Oh yeah? Let's hear it, utility man!"

PERSON: "What?! ::::(-54 4462)What if we tried to make society good?"

PERSON: "What if we tried to organize society so that it was...good. Like a good society."

PERSON: "A good society? That would be immoral, unjust, and philosophically unsound."

PERSON: "My system is much better: unrestrained capitalism and eliminating the minimum wage. I hate having to pay my butler $7.25 an hour, when i suspect he is desperate enough to accept $4. Injustice!"

Published — 27 April 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Turing Test 2.0

PERSON: "We've created an advanced AI system that we believe has all the capabilities of a human. Now to test it with a Turing test. "

PERSON: "Computer, write a python script that summarizes our financial outlook for the next quarter."

PERSON: "I am ready."

PERSON: "Iterating your design pattern rapidly. Agile."

PERSON: "Incredible!"

PERSON: "Now summarize these emails for the executive team to read."

PERSON: "Beep boop, summarizing."

PERSON: "As you can see, it can do everything a human can do! Now let's test the human to see if they can be efficient as the machine."

PERSON: "Okay human, first thing, try to write a-"

PERSON: "The essense of a human being is not to work, it is not to follow instructions - it is to act freely in the world with intention. To create meaning, and to enact our will on the world."

PERSON: "yes but-"

Published — 20 April 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Mazdak Creates Utopia

PERSON: "Persia, 500 a.d. "

PERSON: "You know, King Kavadh i think we've been reading these religious texts all wrong."

PERSON: "Really, Mazdak, and how is that?"

PERSON: "Well, God created the Earth and all its resources for humans to use, right?"

PERSON: "Naturally."

PERSON: "So it stands to reason he created it to be shared equally amongst everyone. There are basically two forces on earth, light and dark"

PERSON: "One side hoards all resources for itself, engages in wars, and establishes a hierarchy. The other side shares resources peacefully and cooperates freely."

PERSON: "10 years later..."

PERSON: "We've done it. You were right, this is obviously the non-evil thing to do. Now we just have to tell all the other kings, so they know how to stop being evil too!"

PERSON: "Shit, this isn't good! we are going to have to totally reform society."

PERSON: "Great idea!"

PERSON: "Right, and which side are kings on?"

PERSON: "Well..."

PERSON: "Are you kidding me, Kavadh? We pay our priests good money to explain how God wants us to be rich!?"

PERSON: "So, god created Earth's resources for all..."

PERSON: "Alright, why don't we just have our priests debate this “Mazdak”, and see who wins?"

PERSON: "Great!"

PERSON: "Mazdak says hoarding wealth is evil."

PERSON: "Oh, also our priests have swords, forgot to mention that."

Published — 13 April 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Boo Murder!

PERSON: "For the crime of murder, you have been sentenced to murder! "

PERSON: "Booo, murder!"

PERSON: "Because moral talk can't have a truth value, it is merely an expression of our distaste."

PERSON: "Oh, i see. Well then...booooo!"

PERSON: "What are you doing?"

PERSON: "I'm showing moral disapproval of murder. Boooooooo!"

PERSON: "Uh...why?"

PERSON: "Booo!"

PERSON: "Booo!"

PERSON: "Boooo!"

PERSON: "Booo!"

PERSON: "Boooo!"

PERSON: "Boo!"

PERSON: "What? I wasn't booing murder, i was booing capital punishment by the state!"

PERSON: "Even though what we are doing is merely expression our emotions, the fact that we boo together sets a moral rule for society."

PERSON: "I was facing the crowd, and booing how you are all going along with herd morality."

PERSON: "Oh, shut up Bentham, boo!"

PERSON: "Boo, utilitarianism!"

PERSON: "Boo!"

PERSON: "boo!"

PERSON: "This feels horrible, but they seem to love it, so overall it must be good."

Published — 6 April 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Machiavelli and the Veil of Ignorance

PERSON: "Imagine you were to design a society from scratch, but you didn't know what place you had in that society. "

PERSON: "So i don't know who i am, Rawls? I can be a peasant, or anything?"

PERSON: "Behind this “veil of ignorance”, i believe people would design a just and fair society, don't you think, Machiavelli?"

PERSON: "In that case, i would have the king picked by some kind of feat."

PERSON: "Exactly."

PERSON: "Not a feat of strength or cunning, since i don't know how smart or strong i'll be, but by a sort of miracle, like pulling a sword from a stone."

PERSON: "No no, you just want to make it fair."

PERSON: "There'll be a simple trick to do it, and i'll pass that knowledge to myself through a code, and then..."

PERSON: "I don't want it fair, i want to win."

PERSON: "But you can't, because you don't know who you will be."

PERSON: "I would tattoo a very large prime number on myself, and then the king would be based off..."

PERSON: "No! That's wrong! I would design a society where everyone like you had to work in the mines!"

PERSON: "He believes politics can be based on reason, rather than a chaotic, unpredictable game of force, which perpetuates itself with little to no human planning, and succumbs us all to its blind whims."

PERSON: "What's his problem, Simone Weil?"

PERSON: "Moron."

Published — 30 March 2026 ⏭ Existential comics

Reason and Passion

PERSON: "The lower passions and appetites should always be subordinate to our reason."

PERSON: "When we live in accordance to reason, we balance our soul towards the good, which is what all humanity must do."

PERSON: "David Hume blows into his hand, making farting noises in objection to Plato"

PERSON: "Wrong! Reason is slave to the passions. No rational system can convince us to follow your way of living over another!"

PERSON: "let's take a look at how people actually want to live their lives. Most people, it turns out, don't even want to be rational."

PERSON: "As you can see, only 1% of people want to live rationaly. Most people want to be angry all the time at nothing in particular."

PERSON: "Plato, get it through your head. You can't use rationality to convince people to be rational! "

PERSON: "But surely with rational dialogue, we can convince the others to be rational! "

PERSON: "Just one more Socratic dialogue..."

PERSON: "In order to convince people to be rational, they have to first want to be rational, and it turns out most people would rather drink beer and be stupid."

PERSON: "But that's horrible, Hume, surely?"

PERSON: "Only if you think everyone should be a huge nerd, which i dont..."

PERSON: "I weep for humanity, rationally, of course..."